Self-pity and Insecurity

“I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.” ― D.H. Lawrence, Complete Poems of D. H. Lawrence

       This quote is supposed to inspire me for what I am going through right now but I don't see any sense.  One thing I hate about myself is that I oftentimes pity myself. I don't know why but I just felt that my imperfectness is taking over me. Sometimes, it is not enough to tell yourself to be strong and stand tall tomorrow. It is not enough. The ugliest truth is that doing that only makes it worse because saying" I will be strong tomorrow" only reminds you of all those ugly words that you are running away from- in my case ,though. Its very ironic and hurtful. The world seemed like a perfect place and you don't have a place in it.

       Every time the people around me -let's say my family and friends- talks about perfection, I am kept in silence and trying to endure shame and imperfectness. Deep inside, I cry. I cry so hard that keeping it inside is not enough. Its so painful. Its seemed that what they say pressures you to achieve those but no matter how hard you try to reach it, nothing's changed. You are still the same old you who did not reach the "STANDARDS". 

        Probably, this is just all about my insecurities. No, I'm wrong- this is really about my insecurities. I am just regular guy who do stuffs that e fancies and doesn't care about what others look at me. I was blind. I did not see the other colors that this world have. I am not prepared. I am not prepared and when the time that I saw the world and all of its colors, I was down.  I do not possess a perfectly engineered body like those awesome dudes in magazines and posters. I am as skinny as a flagpole (or even a flagpole has much innards than me). Every time I stroll down the mall and pass those headless mannequins wearing nice clothes, I stare at those closely. I imagine my life if my body was like that of them. I guess I will be popular or perhaps I might even proudly say that I had a lot of girlfriends and they all crave for me. But no, I do not and I cannot. Dreams are the only thing that is free for guys like me. Well, at least I still have my hopes and dreams. But will it be just a dream? Perhaps i should just spend my life in sleep and wake up no more in from reality.

       There are also times in class when I wished I was as smart as those people who are smarter than me. Then probably I will not be compared. I imagine that I was the teacher's favorite., lot's of people will be impressed, I am known and people wants to know more about me- pure fame. Its a real cliche life, ain't it? Some rich, nice-looking guy who is smart and can control people over his hands because of his charms and charisma. Though cliche, I still wish my life is like that.

       If my life was a dream, I will never wake up. But wait. A thought just came to me. If my life was a dream, then probably i couldn't fell the happiness I felt from the past. I won't be able to meet those people who gave color to my life. If I was still in a dream, I might not wear those smiles in my entire life. How stupid of me. Though I badly wanted those things, I won't risk of losing them. A pure smile cannot be replaced. The love they gave me was an aroma that made these two lips curve upwards. I should be thankful. The quote finally made sense :D